A pinch of shame?

At Dubai beach, loving me:)

 
As I looked at the posts in this blog, I realized that my blog "is sadness a habit" has the highest page views, and I remembered how difficult it was to write this specific blog.  At first, the uncomfortable feelings were ignored, but then as I was driving, I gave my self the freedom to explore, what was so difficult, so uneasy, like a pebble in your back.  Then, I realized it.  I like to believe that I do not feel embarrassed by my feelings and that I am courageous enough to discuss these seemingly whimsy emotions.  Yet, there it was: shame.  Lurking from behind, or from the side.  But it was shame.  A little part of me was wondering "what the hell is this usually-sane lady doing?" .

- You have an important formal job.  The voice said
Me: silence
The voice: don't you care?  they might think you are strange.  Or even worse; depressed!
Me: well sometimes, I am. And I have decided several years ago to be me, no matter what.( I conjured up defiantly in defense of my own beliefs, and my very fragile feelings at the moment)
The voice (now in a rather meek way): yes, but you know how people think
Me: every body goes through feelings, that is normal.  In a way, at least.  I do not care. (though I knew I did, at least to a certain extent, I did)

I ended the conversation, to my benefit, I thought.  But the truth was all over the car:

Sadness, to me, was a shame! 

This is, was so unfair from me to me.  If I felt sad, my very good self awaited compassion, strength, support and not an act of shame and embarrassment.  Sadness, like weakness, like fear are all very normal and legitimate emotions, just like happiness and joy.  It is just that we probably have identified the numbness state as the more "normal" one for life, even though, in reality, it is lifeless.

I searched on the spot for a formula... and my formula for that one, is to say it out loud, explore it with others, and dive into a sunshine that might hurt and yet, touches my heart.
 

Fasten your seat belts! or not?

Posting my previous blog on facebook, I commented "Is sadness a habit?", and I kept wondering about it.  A old school friend and writer Manal El Kady, who is also a physician mentioned that it is related to the serotonin levels secreted by the brain.  She mentioned sports and words to combat it.  There was also some discussion about the pain body, this ugly thing.

I mentioned gratitude and acknowledgment as two ways to combat this sadness. One more mistake that I did, and that encouraged sadness or pain to stay, was the incorrect labeling of whatever happens as "sadness" or "pain" or "disappointment". "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder" and so is pain, and ugliness and sorrow. Yesterday for example, I found myself saying "I feel awful" then I stopped. In truth, I was not feeling awful. I was tired, very tired, which is not the same as feeling awful.  Feeling awful to me includes the overall physical and emotional down state, which was not remotely the case.  Days before, I kept saying that I felt "sad" and "disappointed".  These were the re-current words.  From my learnings and my teachings I know that your thoughts are not you.  I know that you can switch your own thoughts.  And I said, I will give it a try again.  "They are just fleeting thoughts" I said to myself, as I was driving.  "I am neither sad, nor disappointed".  I questioned the labels that I have so freely, out of habit, out of culture, or out of the commonness of the words, chosen.

"They are just passing by" I said to myself.  "You do not have to OWN them".  Like the plane, you see....when you are in a flight, sometimes the planes go through turbulences, if the planes owns it, it falls, and crashed and becomes a huge catastrophe... but if the plane itself is fine, the pilot does not panic.  And instead of letting the passengers wonder, he announces calmly that this is a place of turbulence and is expected to pass in a few minutes, so the passengers themselves, too do not panic. Everyone knows it is just a turbulence in the air.  It will pass in a matter of minutes and all will be fine.  It does not - by any means - mean that there is something wrong with the plane or the pilot.

So, I decided to acknowledge the turbulence, acknowledge that I do not like it, and that as well, it is not mine.  It is not me.  And I move on.

This, in addition to correcting the labels on the experiences; situations, feelings and thoughts that happen to us, have both worked for me in the last few days...

And, this thought caught me by surprise the other day, but I chose to hang on to it for longer  "If sadness is a habit, would not that make happiness a habit, too?"
 

Pain body?? Greyish Clouds?

Grey clouds between sunny & rainy days at my last trip in Chantilly, France

You know this feeling when you are swimming in the sea and it is relatively warm and nice, and then you pass in areas that are cold and then again to other warm places?? I have this feeling concerning my "sadness" or whatever thing it is.  I had a good day.  My challenge of a 30-min walk was met yesterday, ignored today, yet it was still a good day.  I decided to rest at home, which I sometimes do.  The new things about deciding to stay at home are: first, not spending hours hesitating, second and most importantly: not feeling guilty about it but rather enjoying it and respecting my decision to listen to my body.  Once, I was not full of guilt of not going, or guilt of wasting precious time, and unusually respecting my choice to rest, I was able to become quite productive still in a relaxed non-obliging manner.  This to me is NEWS!  GOOD news!

Yet, to come back to the sea metaphor, like sea currents, or grey clouds, I find myself passing through moments that are sad.  For no obvious reason.  Many times, I realized after careful analysis, it would be due to something that happened and ignored, and yet the residue remains.  But just like half an hour ago, I was doing well, joking with a friend and then this grey thing comes along.  And I wonder, is it like this "pain body" thing that Tolle talks about??

Sometimes, I feel it has become a habit, because last year was truly tough.  Sometimes, I think may be my brain is actually still doing that same chemical process of pain-production when there is no need anymore.  I tried to recall a very good conversation about pain body that as a group, my and my friends, once had.  But I could not remember the antidote to pain body.  I guess gratitude must be one.  Seeing the beautiful...tasting the sweet. 

well, acknowledgment also has always worked for me in many things like fear.  Secret, dark fear.  And other abstract slimy emotions...Once you admit they are there.  They kind of evaporate.  Writing helps them evaporate too... so, thank you...

And you, what works for you?? would just love to know.

the very confusing yellow raincoat

Less than a year ago, I celebrated the book signing of my first book "The yellow Raincoat".  The yellow raincoat for me was a symbol for the shield that protects me from all life miseries.  Wearing it, I still got wet, my boots still got slimy and all muddy; muddy enough that I needed to wipe my feet on the mat before I could get anywhere decent, I still felt cold, but it was all within the shield of knowing who I truly am, loving her (me) and accepting the rain, the mud, the storms as well as the rainbows all as essential gifts of one natural, magnificent life.

In my last article in the book, I mentioned that sometimes I lose my yellow raincoat or rather have it misplaced somewhere, and have to search for it, but before the year - in which I wrote the book ended - I did find it.

Well, I lost it again!! and this time for a very long time, almost  a year.  I think I searched for it in almost all the possible places; in rest and pause I searched, though not long enough.  In different countries and cities of the world, I searched, though not consciously enough, in hindsight, this is what I believe.  In fun and the "good life" with pleasures and candies, I searched, but it was short-lived.  At work, I searched, too, found it sometimes, but not for very long, and not really deep.  I found it when I was giving my workshops, sort of forgot the inner mess, and danced with whatever came in the room, yet, afterwards, I was too tired and went back.  Inside myself, excavations took place night and day, only a spray of resonant moments were found, but none agreed to stay.

And so, I decided to search here.  In this part of me that does not come out by order or command, or request.  It comes only when I finally hit the keyboard; writing, the blog.

To start with, I am not sure exactly what I am searching for; yes, my yellow raincoat of course, but is it now for my authenticity? or my well-being which is terribly down the drain, or my peace of mind...or my resilience....or simply my never-ending quest for joy??

I think it is good to write about those beautiful things, and my wonderful yellow raincoat when I am that lost, after a year of internal mess and fatigue, though a year of achievements as well, because I think, if I find it again, well there are 2 main benefits:  1- I will have the damn recipe.  2-  You will have it too :)

Enjoy...hope we both do :)

 

The Thirty Day Challenge ! to start with

from my walk today

Yesterday, as I was lingering in my own messiness,  I reverted to books.  I have always said that I love reading, that I enjoy the touch and smell of books, that libraries feel awkwardly cozy and endearing to me.  Yesterday, however, as I held a book in my hand, I found myself escaping, the way we all did, I guess, when studying for an exam at school. The only difference is that then we would eat, pee, drink or sleep.  Now, there is another way; facebook and emails. And, that is what I did: browsing aimlessly through face book and emails.  It might have looked with my persistence as if I was expecting a certain email, but no, I was not.  I was just playing the time away, playing my focus away, too.

I thought it might be a good idea to have some fun, I have become through my own experience a believer in "All work and no play makes John a dull boy".   And since I was so damn dull, I thought "Well...you do nothing but work...try some fun".  I suggested to the kids going to the movies, but my inertia for boredom did not let me.  or I let her, whatever. 

I was starting to wonder am I depressed?? or have I narrowed myself and my capabilities to the extent that I define my days through work??

I thought of learning how to make jewellery, but learning anything now would be adding to my list of stuff that overburdens me.  

I was texting to my daughter and I wrote this and I was not sure whether the message was actually to her or , as usual, to myself " Sometimes the key to restore yourself is to do less, really pause without even playing aimlessly at the keyboard and rest.  Other times, it is about pursuing stuff that bring you joy, that make you curious and interested, kind of awakes you..  And most of the times, we follow one of those patterns longer that it proves useful and we do not notice that it is time to change to the other side". 

I am a reflector yet somehow an action-oriented person, so I tend to fill the gaps with more stuff and in the end I am too tired for life.

Anyway, for all the above reasons and internal conversations, I have started reading this book that I got from Hay House Seminar like 2 years ago " The Power of Less" by Leo Babauta. The writer says he has achieved so much and felt so much better by following those basic principles and he takes the reader very, very gently from one step to the other, which works perfectly for me in my messed up state both physically and emotionally. 
One of the things he says is that focus is the essential element for changing habits, or creating new ones. Focus means that for a whole month you just change one habit, and you choose the very easiest version of change, and you follow it through every day.  Based on the physician's requests and my own belief, I decided to walk everyday in the sun (a bit of deficiency in vitamin D) for half an hour.  I decided then, to make it 20, to make it easier and to make sure I succeed.  I also stop the thoughts of "what the hell have I done to myself" and to re-hear both physicians' comment "you are too young for that" in a more positive manner. 

I am not sure where this will lead me, and if eventually I will find my yellow raincoat, but life in a way is make of actions and habits, and the choices we make to spend our lives.  And I have decided to spend 20 minutes of my 24 hours everyday doing this, and hopefully follow it up with a real healthy breakfast also in the sun.    For today, I did that and it feels good.  Not like suddenly I feel superb and joyful, but I am not sad and there is this feeling of self-satisfaction, like "good girl, Amina.  Keep it up. you deserve this my dear".  so, I also become gentler with myself, my very lovable and loving self. 

What habit do you wanna change or create?? choose one thing only.  Do it everyday.  Decide exactly when you will do it and after what, so it becomes connected to a trigger.  and communicate here or anywhere about it.  This is also another way of being more committed. 

Now take a deep breath....lots of love, and see you tomorrow... waiting for your habit-creating activities :)