A pinch of shame?

At Dubai beach, loving me:)

 
As I looked at the posts in this blog, I realized that my blog "is sadness a habit" has the highest page views, and I remembered how difficult it was to write this specific blog.  At first, the uncomfortable feelings were ignored, but then as I was driving, I gave my self the freedom to explore, what was so difficult, so uneasy, like a pebble in your back.  Then, I realized it.  I like to believe that I do not feel embarrassed by my feelings and that I am courageous enough to discuss these seemingly whimsy emotions.  Yet, there it was: shame.  Lurking from behind, or from the side.  But it was shame.  A little part of me was wondering "what the hell is this usually-sane lady doing?" .

- You have an important formal job.  The voice said
Me: silence
The voice: don't you care?  they might think you are strange.  Or even worse; depressed!
Me: well sometimes, I am. And I have decided several years ago to be me, no matter what.( I conjured up defiantly in defense of my own beliefs, and my very fragile feelings at the moment)
The voice (now in a rather meek way): yes, but you know how people think
Me: every body goes through feelings, that is normal.  In a way, at least.  I do not care. (though I knew I did, at least to a certain extent, I did)

I ended the conversation, to my benefit, I thought.  But the truth was all over the car:

Sadness, to me, was a shame! 

This is, was so unfair from me to me.  If I felt sad, my very good self awaited compassion, strength, support and not an act of shame and embarrassment.  Sadness, like weakness, like fear are all very normal and legitimate emotions, just like happiness and joy.  It is just that we probably have identified the numbness state as the more "normal" one for life, even though, in reality, it is lifeless.

I searched on the spot for a formula... and my formula for that one, is to say it out loud, explore it with others, and dive into a sunshine that might hurt and yet, touches my heart.