The Thirty Day Challenge ! to start with

from my walk today

Yesterday, as I was lingering in my own messiness,  I reverted to books.  I have always said that I love reading, that I enjoy the touch and smell of books, that libraries feel awkwardly cozy and endearing to me.  Yesterday, however, as I held a book in my hand, I found myself escaping, the way we all did, I guess, when studying for an exam at school. The only difference is that then we would eat, pee, drink or sleep.  Now, there is another way; facebook and emails. And, that is what I did: browsing aimlessly through face book and emails.  It might have looked with my persistence as if I was expecting a certain email, but no, I was not.  I was just playing the time away, playing my focus away, too.

I thought it might be a good idea to have some fun, I have become through my own experience a believer in "All work and no play makes John a dull boy".   And since I was so damn dull, I thought "Well...you do nothing but work...try some fun".  I suggested to the kids going to the movies, but my inertia for boredom did not let me.  or I let her, whatever. 

I was starting to wonder am I depressed?? or have I narrowed myself and my capabilities to the extent that I define my days through work??

I thought of learning how to make jewellery, but learning anything now would be adding to my list of stuff that overburdens me.  

I was texting to my daughter and I wrote this and I was not sure whether the message was actually to her or , as usual, to myself " Sometimes the key to restore yourself is to do less, really pause without even playing aimlessly at the keyboard and rest.  Other times, it is about pursuing stuff that bring you joy, that make you curious and interested, kind of awakes you..  And most of the times, we follow one of those patterns longer that it proves useful and we do not notice that it is time to change to the other side". 

I am a reflector yet somehow an action-oriented person, so I tend to fill the gaps with more stuff and in the end I am too tired for life.

Anyway, for all the above reasons and internal conversations, I have started reading this book that I got from Hay House Seminar like 2 years ago " The Power of Less" by Leo Babauta. The writer says he has achieved so much and felt so much better by following those basic principles and he takes the reader very, very gently from one step to the other, which works perfectly for me in my messed up state both physically and emotionally. 
One of the things he says is that focus is the essential element for changing habits, or creating new ones. Focus means that for a whole month you just change one habit, and you choose the very easiest version of change, and you follow it through every day.  Based on the physician's requests and my own belief, I decided to walk everyday in the sun (a bit of deficiency in vitamin D) for half an hour.  I decided then, to make it 20, to make it easier and to make sure I succeed.  I also stop the thoughts of "what the hell have I done to myself" and to re-hear both physicians' comment "you are too young for that" in a more positive manner. 

I am not sure where this will lead me, and if eventually I will find my yellow raincoat, but life in a way is make of actions and habits, and the choices we make to spend our lives.  And I have decided to spend 20 minutes of my 24 hours everyday doing this, and hopefully follow it up with a real healthy breakfast also in the sun.    For today, I did that and it feels good.  Not like suddenly I feel superb and joyful, but I am not sad and there is this feeling of self-satisfaction, like "good girl, Amina.  Keep it up. you deserve this my dear".  so, I also become gentler with myself, my very lovable and loving self. 

What habit do you wanna change or create?? choose one thing only.  Do it everyday.  Decide exactly when you will do it and after what, so it becomes connected to a trigger.  and communicate here or anywhere about it.  This is also another way of being more committed. 

Now take a deep breath....lots of love, and see you tomorrow... waiting for your habit-creating activities :)